


I missed your skin when you were East

by SpookyFaces



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Cocaine, Depression, Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Overdosing, Past Relationship(s), Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-09-23 04:12:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 16,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9640202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpookyFaces/pseuds/SpookyFaces
Summary: My name is Brendon Boyd Urie.A year ago I met this guy who has completely changed my life. Sounds cliche, I know. But I'm not trying to tell you a stupid Disney fairytale about love and peace (even though my boy looks like a freaking prince). I want you to know how broken and destroyed people may leave you. This is what happens when the love of your life decides he no longer needs you and disappears from your life. You pick up the fucking pieces and try to carry on. You try not to choke on your saliva when you see them in public. You fucking try.But it does not always work out, trust me.





	1. Chapter 1

My name is Brendon Boyd Urie. 

I've been raised in a very religious family, but, unfortunately for my parents I grew up to be a huge douchebag who doesn't believe in anything sacral. During my miserable life i've learned only one thing - if you don't fight for your freedom, you become the prisoner of your own mind. Funny thing is - I could never fight. Never. That's why, at the age of 22 I met someone who turned my world upside down and I became the slave of my own thoughts and feelings. I no longer belonged to myself. And I blame him for that. 

Ryan George Ross. Fucking prince of my fairytale. I remember the first time I met him. I was in some shitty club with my friend Spencer, who always needs someone to carry him home after he shots too much Vodka. As always, I was sitting somewhere in the far corner, pathetically sipping a cocktail and thinking about upcoming exams, which I would definetly fail. That's when the tall boy with long,slender fingers and deep, dark eyes stumbled on the chair in front of me and fell directly into my lap. With his face. Into my lap. Yes, you've guessed it, his face ended up a few millimeters above my dick. I was staring down at him with my eyes wide, lips parted and could not manage to produce any sound. He let out a drunk giggle and looked up at me.

"M'sorry,man. Some jackass pushed me." - His smile made my head spin,colors around me blurred.

"I-It's okay." - I blinked several times and shook my head, trying to crawl out of the trance. I stood up, but the stranger did not move, he sat on the floor and was smiling up at me. "Need some help?"

"Yeah, wouldn't mind." - He slurred. I put my drink down on the table and grabbed the boy's arms. He was surprisingly lightweight. After minutes of stumbling and bumping into the stuff, he finally steadied his balance and was now smiling at me. “M’ Ryan.”

“Uh, hi Ryan. I’m Brendon.” - He squeezed my hand and shook it. Seriously, he shook my hand. Do people still do this? Is this still a thing? Shaking hands? 

“You alone here?” - I asked. He needed someone to help him walk, or he would end up in someone’s crotch once again, and for some reason, I did not like it. 

 

“Yeah, everybody left me.” - Ryan shrugged.Even though he was smiling, his voice came out too sad for me to handle.

“Want to leave this place?” - I did not mean to sound so lame, I swear. He looked down at me (he was at least two heads higher than me) and raised his brows.

“Depends on what you suggest.” 

“My place? I live alone and my friend does not need my escort anymore..” - I looked at Spencer who was kissing some blonde girl over the bar. “We can watch a movie or I don’t know.. Smoke?”

“Smoke,huh?” - He laughed. This motherfucker was laughing at me. 

“Okay, forget it. I just thought you needed a company,or something.” - I mumbled and was just about to leave when he grabbed my arm and locked his sad eyes with mine.

“I’d like to smoke with you, Brendon. Let’s leave.”

And yeah, that’s how I met the love of my life. And no, we did not have sex that night,you filthy people. We did not have sex for at least three months after that. You probably think this is the lame story about how I fell in love and how my life changed because of the angelic guy. 

But no. In fact, right now I’m sitting in our bed, watching an empty spot beside me and wondering where he is. Ryan Ross left me one week ago, after a year of being together. He left. No note, no text message or a call. Nothing. He left me and I have to learn to live the way I did before him. I have to learn how to be alone again.Because of that stupid night. Because of that motherfucker who pushed Ryan into my lap.

This is not a beautiful love story. This is a story about me learning to live again.

This is a story about forgetting Ryan Ross.


	2. Chapter 2

So what was I saying? Oh, yes. I was telling you how Ryan left me. Here's how the story goes:

That evening, the world came to crash down on my shoulders. I got a call from back home, my mom's nervous voice whispered horrible words to my ear - "They gave him one month, Brenny. One month." It meant I only had one month to apologize to my dad for being everything he always hated (gay,atheist,musician..). I had one month to show and prove my love to him. Because then - he'll be gone. And I will never be able to see him, or talk to him about football games,or argue about his stupid political beliefs. This all would be gone. I've been sitting in the kitchen for three hours, fingers hugging he mug filled up with cold tea and lips kissing the joint I've rolled this morning. Ryan came back from his work. The thing is, he did not even notice the state I was in. He did not even notice my father was dying. He simply poured himself a cup of orange juice and sat down beside me.

"How was your day?" - He smiled at me and sipped his drink. I looked down at my fingers and shrugged. "My day sucked, to be honest. Jeremy asked me to do all his work with these stupid papers. Damn it, I hate paper-work, you know that,right? I wanted to burn down the whole building, fuck this job, I think I'm gonna quit soon. I feel like a slave and.."

"My father's dying."

I felt Ryan's wide eyes swirling holes on my face, but I couldn't lift my eyes. I simply stared at my hands. Why did I even say it? Why now? Ryan was rambling about his day. Fuck, I'm so selfish. His slender fingers touched my shaking ones and I wanted to disappear, to no longer exist.

"Bren.. Fuck I'm so sorry, I.."

"It's okay. Really. I knew this day would come. It's just.. Sad that I will never see him again." - I mumbled. 

"C'mere." - He locked me into his strong embrace and I felt every problem in this world disappearing for a moment. "Want to visit him next week?"

"No. I don't want him to feel the pressure, you know? The death is coming so I have to say my good-bye to my rebel son. It's not right."

"But Bren.."

"Really, Ry. It's fine. Just, hold me for a little while." - I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder as he squeezed me harder. This is what I loved most about Ryan Ross. His ability to stay quiet, to understand the silence and become the part of it. He always felt so..right. He was definitely the best thing that had ever happened to me. And that sounds like a stupid teen movie cliche, but it's true. 

"Want to go to bed?" - He finally spoke up. I lifted my head and nodded. Ryan kissed my temple and pulled away. "Let's go then." 

That night he hugged me like it was me dying, not my father. He clutched at my back, stroke my hair and kissed my face,neck,lips. He was whispering soothing words to me as I felt the flow of tears on my face and saw my pillow getting a shade darker. There he was, Ryan, holding me, not letting me go, catching me from the fall. He was a medicine to my body and, probably, to my soul,I'm still not sure that thing exist. Ryan is my mind, my thoughts,my vision and my hearing. I fell asleep to the sound of his heartbeat, my personal ticking clocks. 

After twelve hours, I disconnected my lashes and found myself alone in the bed. I've looked around the house, I've waited for hours. Days. Ryan was gone. His clothes were gone, his suitcase was gone, his keys were resting on the kitchen table.I'm sure they've collected some dust on them, because I've never touched them. I did not get anything from him for two weeks. Nothing. After 14 days, somebody slipped a piece of paper under my front door. I would recognize this hand-writing everywhere.

_I am sorry I could not handle us._

_I will always love you, B._

That's how it happened. I look at the empty spot beside me and run a hand through my hair. I've been Ryan-less for more than one month. To be exact,he's been gone for 42 days. 

Just another day without him. Without my personal clock and pillow. Nothing special,you know. The only difference in that my father passed away today. The only difference is that my world got destroyed today. I lost my father. And I did not use a day out of that month. I have not visited him once. I haven't apologized for a disappointment that I am. My dad's gone, and I'm left to grieve alone. Fuck Ryan Ross. 


	3. Chapter 3

I step into my old room and shut the door behind my back. These are the four walls that I grew up in. Where my first masturbation, first heartbreak, first sex and many other things happened. I love first times, and this room was filled up with them. I sigh and pick up the suit my mom chose for me from the bed. Her favorite, classic black one, even though I've always preferred glittery, patterned ones. There's a mirror in front of my bed. I look up and my own reflection scares me. I look thinner than ever, dark circles round my empty eyes, hair falls down on my face. I straight up and run a hand through the dark mess on the top of my head. I feel like shit, I look like shit, I became a walking shit.

"Brenny,you coming?" - A soft knock snaps me out of my thoughts. My mother is an incredible woman, I must tell you. She lost a love of her life yesterday and still manages to cheer everyone else up. 

"Uh, yes mom. A minute." - I look down at the suit resting in my arms. Today's the day. Today I'll burry my childhood 6 feet under the ground. 

I get rid of the black hoodie and skinnies and quickly put on the suit. I glance once again at the mirror. I still look like shit. 

__

The funeral went.. Quiet. It's been raining for the whole day. So cliche,huh? 

Nobody cried. I mean, of course, people and guests were shedding they precious tears but, it was not a grieve. More like a play, an act. I felt like I had to applaud for them afterwards. Everybody was hugging me, patting my shoulders, repeating the same words. "My condolences, I am so sorry, he was a great man.." Who the hell are you lying to? He was not a great man. I squeeze my mom's hands with my fingers. She is a great woman. She leans slightly and whispers in my ear:

"You look so handsome, honey." - I laugh quiet at this. As I said, I look like shit. But,for some reason, my mother's words sooth my heart. I try to block the priest's voice from my brain and start examining the cemetery. That's when I see a familiar silhouette hiding behind the tree. My heart misses a beat and I feel like my lungs are going to explode.

"You're hurting me, Bren." - My grip on mother's hands became stronger and I did not even realize. I let go of her fingers and mumble something like "I'll be back." and quickly leave the area. I start running, as I see the silhouette leaving. 

"No! Wait, hey!" - I shout,but my voice barely reaches him because of the rain. It's him, I swear it's Ryan fucking Ross. He came. He disappears somewhere in the field behind the church. I run faster, harder. I feel the cold wind breaking into my bones but I could not care less. I stop and turn around, but he's gone. He's nowhere to be found. 

"Ryan!" - I scream at the top of my lungs and feel the pain filling up my chest. The pain of him leaving me, the pain of my father's death, the pain of being lonely.. Everything hits me at once and I fall down to my knees, shaking and sobbing like a child. I remove the glasses from my nose and throw them away. "I SAW YOU! PLEASE, PLEASE COME BACK, I SAW YOU!" - I bawl. The wet grass is slipping under my knees. I want to lay down here, in the rain, and sleep the grieve and sorrow away. 

Suddenly, the energy is sucked out of my body and I feel how my meat-suit is becoming heavier,limper. 

"I saw you, Ry, I fucking saw you.." - I whisper before closing my eyes and letting the darkness cover me.

I could swear I felt somebody's arms catching me from the fall, but I already was out.


	4. Chapter 4

Black and white dots are dancing behind my closed eyelids. I slowly disconnect my lashes and try to blink the blur away. I'm in my room. How did I get here? The last thing I remember is chasing Ryan in the cold, meanwhile my father was getting buried deep under the ground. I sit up and groan from the pain in my temples. I look around and see a glass of water resting on the nightstand. Suddenly, the door to my room opens and my mom peeks in.

"Brenny, honey, you're up!" - She steps in and closes the door behind her. "You've scared me! I guess it all got too much for you.." - She sits down on the bed and gently strokes my hair away from my face. "Thanks God your friend found you."

My eyes go wide and my breath hitches. 

"Friend? What friend?!" - My voice is hoarse but I don't care.

"I've never seen him before, honey. He did not even tell me his name. You ran away from the funeral and I decided not go after you, I thought you needed some time alone. He found you in the fields, unconscious.. And brought you home in his car."

"Mom.. Mom,this is very important, okay? Did you see the car?" - I clutch on her hand and squeeze her.

"Uh, yes, I think I did. It was a red,small car. Volvo? I don't know." - He shrugged. 

Red Volvo. My heart skipped a beat. It was him, it was Ryan's car. He came to the funeral..

"Honey, are you okay?" - My mother touches my shoulder,causing me to flinch slightly.

"Yes, yes mom, I'm fine,sorry.."

"When are you going back to the city?" - Her voice became too sad for me to handle. I sigh.

"Today. I'll pack and leave as soon as I can, I have to be at work this night. It's my shift."

She smiles at me, desperately trying to hide her distress. I hate leaving her alone.

"Okay, love. Get dressed and come to the kitchen, I've made you some pancakes." - She kisses my messy hair and stands up, leaving my room. I'm left alone with my thoughts and blurry memory of Ryan's silhouette. 

__

I sigh and close my eyes, fingers clutching on steering wheel. Here I am, once again leaving my house behind,leaving my mother and all my memories,going back to the city where I have nothing left, nothing to care about. Just a small,shitty apartment and long,lonely nights. I look out from the car's window, making sure my mom can't see me and light the cigarette,exhaling the burning smoke from my lungs. I start the car and push the gas. My mind races from one place to another. But it always ends up thinking about the same thing. Person. Ryan. What the hell was he doing here? Why didn't he talk to me? Why did he disappear,again? 

Mt thoughts are the reason I do not feel the time passing, when I blink them away I am already in the city, parking my car in the garage. I quickly run up the stairs and open (our) my door. I kick off my boots and with on the lights. That's when I feel there's something wrong. Something has changed, I have this strange feeling that I can't explain. I look around, examining the room. Everything's seems to be the same. My leather jacket hanging on the hook, my backpack lying down on the floor, my boots and converses, Ryan's coat.. Wait.. Ryan's fucking coat. I choke on the air,gasping quietly. No,this can't be happening. I run to the living room, dropping my keys on my way. I freeze in the doorframe, my legs are getting too weak to hold my body weight and I sink down to the floor. My eyes go wide, my breath stops and heart misses a few beats. 

There he is. Ryan. Sitting on the couch, elbows leaning on his knees and eyes looking at me. He looks.. Different. His hair got longer, curlier. It reaches his chin, partly covering his deep, huge eyes. He looks tired. Good, I'm glad he is tired. I am glad he is not okay without me. 

"Hey.." - He says quietly, not seeming to care how I am literally breaking down in front of him. 

"W-What the hell are you doing here?" - I whisper, still not finding enough force to get up from my knees.

"I was worried about you." - He shrugs. 

He was worried about me. I want to slap him in the face. Why did he leave,if he is worried?! Why did he fucking destroy me and my love? I've stopped looking around when I cross the road, I've stopped closing the windows at nights,not caring about getting sick. And this motherfucker says he is worried. I can't stop a laugh escaping my lungs. 

"I am sorry about you dad, Bren.." - He says. He is sorry. Huh.

"Fuck you." - I manage to say and feel tears gathering up in my eyes. I shake my head and sniffle quietly. 

"I deserve this. I am a dick. But I really am sorry."

"If you were sorry, if you fucking cared, then why did you leave me alone?!" - I scream and feel my body starts to tremble. He appears beside me in a second, hands cupping my face. I fucking hate him. 

"I can't explain it to you. I'm just. Not ready yet. And neither are you. Baby, I.."

"Don't fucking call me that." - I push him off and finally manage to get off the floor, knees still shaking underneath me. "You left me. I thought something has happened to you. I waited for you to call, to return." - I am sobbing now, tears are sliding down my face. He doesn't look at me, he stares at his feet. Embarrassed? Good. 

"Bren, I am so.."

"No! no, fuck you! I buried my father, you dick. He died, he's gone and I..There's nothing I can do. He left. You left.." - my voice cracks and I wanted to punch myself. Pathetic. Ryan approaches me. He stares at me for a few second, and locks me into his embrace. I clutch on his back, my nails dig into his skin but he doesn't seem to care. My body wrecks from the ugly, wet sobs escaping my mouth. I am a mess. A fucking mess.

"I am so sorry, baby. I am sorry you had to go through this alone. I am sorry I left you alone. I got so scared when I found you, there in the field.. I did this to you, did not I? I've destroyed you."

I don't answer. Instead, I cry even harder. He kisses my messy hair.

"I love you, Brendon. I've never stopped loving you and I never will. Please forgive me. Forgive me. I had to leave. I still have to." - My heart breaks, again. "I need to go. But this doesn't mean that my feelings will disappear. You are my boy. Always will be."

"Please don't leave me.." - I whisper. "Please don't go.."

"I have to." - He kisses my cheeks, my nose, my.. lips. I don't want to let him go. But he does. He pulls away and takes a few steps back. "I have to go. I left the keys o the kitchen table. Don't hate me.."

"I would never.." - I try to talk, but my voice breaks.

"I love you." - He says once again, before turning around and clutching the doorknob. 

"Ryan, don't fucking go!" - I follow him, but once again my knees betray me and I fall down on the cold floor,hitting my knees painfully. I sob violently and watch him disappearing through the door. "NO,NO COME BACK! DON'T LEAVE ME, I NEED YOU!" - I scream and my lungs are ready to explode. I cover my face with hands and bawl with all the force I have left. 

He's gone. He doesn't even look back at me.

He is gone.


	5. Chapter 5

There are days when I wish I never got out of the bed and left the house. Today is one of these days. This morning I've hit my head on the cupboard door so hard I'm pretty sure I got the concussion. Then a car nearly run me over and transformed me into a pathetic pancake lying on the asphalt. And now this stupid customer can't decide what they want to drink. 

"Okay, so you've got a strawberry, kiwi and banana smoothie right?"

"Yes,madam. Like I've told you the last five times." - I sigh.

"But you also have a chocolate milkshake as a special treat today. Oh, I can't choose!" - an old lady exclaims and I want to choke her with shoelaces. I hear the door opening and roll my eyes, because that means another stupid human being has just stepped inside this shitty cafe. I look back at the customer in front of me and clear my throat.

"Okay, let me have just a plain capuccino." - she says and thanks God I'm not wearing shoes that have laces. I turn back and shout to barman an order.

"That will be 7.50$." - I mumble. The woman rummages in her huge bag and pulls out the money. I hand back the charge and ask to wait for the coffee on the other side of the bar. She walks away and I feel relief washing over my body. I open up the cashiers and don't even look up at my next customer.

"Hello, can I get your order?"

"Yes, hi. Um, do you have any kind of smoothies?" - A soft voice asks. An anger fills up my body, I look up at them and snap.

"Yes,we do. For fuck's sake, there's a huge board with the whole menu behind my back."

Beautiful,blue eyes widen for a second, then look down on the floor. 

"I-I am sorry. I just.. I'm sorry." - Sad voice crawls up inside my mind and I want to fall though the ground. I feel so guilty, damn it.

"No, I am sorry. I regret being so rude. You're my customer,after all... Let me buy you a banana smoothie." - I try to smile at them. Their face lights up and I swear to heavens, this human being is.. Beautiful. They are at least 15 cantimetres taller than me, so I have to literally look up at them.

"Oh, you don't have to,really."

"But I want to." - I shrug. They smile at me and I feel my heart miss a beat.

"Okay than. Oh, I'm Dallon,by the way." - The grin grows wider.

"Brendon." - I smile back. "Please sit, I'll bring your smoothie in a minute."

__

"..What I want to say is that Heath Ledger did a really good job playing Joker, But Leto's Joker was way more canon. I mean, Nolan did not even try to follow comics, he just created his own world." - Dallon has been talking about comics for almost an hour now. We already fought about Marvel being cooler than DC or the other way around, and now he ( of course I've asked about pronounce, guys, I'm not some ignorant dick ) was trying to convince me that Leto's joker was better than the older one. But in fact, I do not even give a single fuck about it. I am staring at him, my lips slightly parted and pupils becoming as big as the fucking Jupiter. This man is stunning. How he passionately talks about things he loves, that little light that shimmers inside of his blue eyes when he laughs. I don't think I'm falling in love. First, I need to crawl out of love with Ryan.. But I definitely feel something.

"So,what do you think?" - His questions snaps me out of my trans. I shake my head.

"Yeah, yeah you're definitely right." - I mumble and furrow my brows. "Um,can I ask you a question?"

"Sure." - He sipped his smoothie.

"Do you think we can become friends?" - I ask sincerely.

His lips stretch in a huge smile.

"Of course, Bren!" - That nickname. Ouch. It has always been Ryan's. "We are already friends!"

I laugh at this. I laugh at how innocent and pure Dallon is. I laugh because I like it. I like it because it's a complete opposite of who I am.

"I like you." - I admit.

He stares at me for a second. His smile has dropped and he looks dead serious now.

"I like you too, Brendon."

Nobody has ever said they "liked" me in such a serious way before. So I laugh again.


	6. Chapter 6

"You gotta be kidding me."

"What's your problem,mate?!"

"Who the hell pours milk first and then adds cereal?" - I sigh, shaking my head with disappointment. Dallon's face drops and he looks down on his lap sadly.

"I did not know there are rules in eating a cereal." - He mumbled. I approach the kitchen table he was sitting on and punched him weakly.

"Hey, I'm kidding man. Just joking."

His face lights up with a smile. 

"Oh, okay."

I swear to God (whom I don't believe in) this man's cuteness and purity will be the death of me. We've grown really close in last 3 weeks. In fact, we became best friends and Dallon's been staying at my house almost everyday now. I am getting used to waking up to the smell of burnt pancakes and his cheering laugh filling up my lonely house. His mumblings about stuff he adores, like Doctor Who or Harry Potter. How he holds his mug with his long,slender fingers. How he is too tall for our small couch so he has to curl up on himself to sit down on it. I am getting used to Dallon Weekes.

"Bren." - His mouth is full but he talks anyways. "Tell me about your ex."

Something inside of me drops and I can literally hear my own heartbeat. I clear my throat and let out an awkward laugh.

"Ryan? There's nothing interesting about him,man."

"Come on,I want to know. I mean, you know everything about me."

"Well, I still don't know if you've ever had a girlfriend,Dallon." - I tease him and he rolls his eyes. I hate the fact that Dallon is straight (or at least that's what he says.) I sit down beside him and rub my face with my hands. "Okay. What do you want to know?"

"How did you two meet?"

I laugh at this, remembering every detail of that night. 

"We were both drunk as hell. I was out in the club with my friend Spencer,sitting in the corner and waiting while he was getting his tongue sucked by some whore. Anyways, Ryan was just walking by and stumbled on something (but he loves to say somebody hit him, he likes to dramatize) and fell down on my..Uh, crotch. That's how we met." 

Dallon laughs, throwing his head back. I laugh with him at the memory and at how stupid I was back then to think it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

"Nice, that's how you hit on guys." - Dallon says. He becomes serious suddenly, his voice lowers. "What happened?"

I knew this question would follow.

"Wanna know why we broke up?"

"Yes."

"Well, I want to know it too. He never explained. He just left.. The night I told him my father was dying, he left me. And that's it." - I shrug and realize how pathetic I sound.

"That's.. A dick move. And you've never seen him after that?" - Dallon asks quietly.

"I have,actually. At my father's funeral. I saw Ryan and run after him but I was dehydrated or something like that so.. Well, I passed out somewhere in the field and he took me home. Then we met again. But it did not go well. I still don't know the reason why he left.." - My voice breaks and I see the world blurring around me. Tears, fuck them. 

Suddenly, I feel an overwhelming warmth. Dallon locks me into his embrace, squeezing the living shit out of me.

"Oh, Bren. I am so sorry you had to go through this. You don't deserve it. You deserve to be loved, adored,taken care of.." - He whispers and damn it, the world spins around me. "I won't let anyone hurt you, okay?"

"Okay.." - I whisper back and inhale his smell. Damn his "straighteness." 

What am I getting myself into?


	7. Chapter 7

I've always loved waking up to the sound of birds singing in my garden. Or the smell of my mother baking a cake. Or my father's morning tv-shows. No, okay, I've always hated waking up to that. But I never thought I would have to wake up to the scream. I bolt up in my bed, causing the world to spin around me for a moment. It was a fucking scream, like somebody is getting stubbed or worse. I try to recollect memories from the last night. Me and Dallon were watching Netflix (no chill, sigh) and then we went to our beds. Well, technically, I went to bed, he went "to couch". My heart misses a beat. 

That's Dallon's voice.

I fly up from my bed, picking up and struggling to put on my pajama bottoms. The scream and sobs don't stop when I run out of my room into the living room. 

"Dallon?!" - The couch is empty, but he's definetly in this room, I can hear him. I turn around and finally spot him, curled up in the farthest corner of the room, hands clutching on his hair and tear paths painted on his face. I run to him and kneel beside him. I gently touch his hands. His breath hitches as his bloodshot eyes look up at me. He has stopped screaming and I sigh with relief.

"Hi, buddy. What's wrong?" - I try to smile at him. My voice is full of concern.

He looks confused, lost. His eyes dart from one place to another, finally stopping on my face. His hands are shaking terribly. 

"I-I don't.. I think.. It just..I am so sorry.." - He tries to tell me something, but fails. His eyes fill up with tears and he crashes into my arms. 

"Hey, hey shh.. It's okay, I've got you." - I whisper to him, kissing his messy hair. He's trembling violently and I just want to hug the sadness out of him. "You're gonna be okay. Come on, sit with me."

I pull him up to his feet when his breathing steadies a little. He looks like a lost child and my guts twist from the sight of his sad, blue eyes. We sit down on the couch. He pulls his knees up and rests his head on them. I start stroking his hair.

"Do you want to talk about it?" - I ask quietly. He shakes his head. "Okay.. Okay. You're okay now. I'm here." 

We sat in silence for almost twenty minutes when he finally speaks up with a shaking voice.

"I saw a nightmare. It happens, almost every night.. But tonight it all got too much suddenly.. I am sorry I woke you up,Bren."

"Don't be silly. I'm glad I woke up, I don't want you to deal with stuff like this on your own."

He give me a tired smile and I melt.

"Thank you." - Dallon whispers and.. Fucking lands a kiss on my cheek. Of course, it's a platonic, full-force straight bromance kiss but damn it. A goofy grin is drawn on my face.

"You uh.." - My voice comes out too high-pitched, so I clear my throat. "You want to get back to sleep?" 

He nods slowly and lies down on the couch, curling up. I stare at him for a moment before standing up.

"Call me if you need anything,okay?" - I ask and turn around to walk towards my room.

"Stay?" - He asks quietly. My heart drops, my guts twist and my blood boils. I look down at him and meet his sad, innocent eyes. 

Guess what, I stay. I hug him and don't let him go for the whole night.


	8. Chapter 8

What is the worst situation you've ever been in? Come on,tell me. When your ex left you you? Been there. When somebody close to you died? Been there. What else?

Let me tell you mine. One of the worst situations I've ever been was when Dallon found out about my little,dark secret. The thing is, after the whole Ryan thing, my world got a bit.. too much for me to handle on my own. So I've tried some stuff that would help me pull through. Bad stuff. But I kept doing bad stuff, even though I knew I had to stop, I knew it was destroying me. When Dallon came up in my life, I realized I did not need to snort coke anymore, so I backed off. But, withdrawals are bitch,okay? Everything hurts, you can't see or hear properly, your insides twist from the pain.. So yeah, the bad habits came back eventually. 

I did not want Dallon to find out. I was afraid he would leave me, like everyone else did. Who needs a drug-addict in their life? Nobody. Especially not someone like Dallon, somebody so.. Pure. 

I was driving him to the shopping mall when it happened. I've been clean for 6 days. My nose has been itchy the whole day, I wanted to fucking rip it off my face and throw it out of the window. My fingers brushed my nose too often, my face twisted every damn minute. I guess that's why Dallon asked me if I was okay. I was on the edge, I wanted to scream from the pain in my muscles. I hissed that I was fine, staring forward at the road. He asked me if I was sure. I snapped and told him to fuck off. It happens,okay? You can't really control your emotions and words when every inch of your body aches and you want to cut off your limbs. 

"Pull over." 

"What?!"

"I said, pull over, Urie." - My heart dropped, he has never called my that before. I stopped the car and rubbed my face with palms. I did not want to look at him. 

"Look at me or I swear will leave."

I sighed,took off my sunglasses and looked up at him. My eyes were bloodshot. From the lack of sleep or the lack of coke? Hell knows. His eyes were full of concern and confusion at the same time. He simply did not understand what was wrong.

"What happened to you?" - He asked quietly. Tears filled up my eyes and fuck, when did I become such an emotional wreck? I let out a shaking breath and shook my head.

"I am so sorry.." - I whispered. 

"For what?" 

"Please don't leave me. Please I just.. I needed it. It helped me,okay? I wanted to die, I have even planned it out once. And it just.. Fuck, it gave this feeling.. Dallon, you can't leave me." - I was sobbing, clutching on the steering wheel and causing my knuckles to get white. Dallon stared at me, shocked from the state I was in. He still did not get it.

"Bren what happened?! What are you talking about?"

"I fucked up.. Badly, I'm full of shit and I just don't know how to get out of it. I need your help.." - I swallowed hardly and looked up at him. "It-It's in there glove compartment. I just.. left it there for a special occasion,huh." - I laughed at myself. "Please just.. Take it away from me."

Dallon stared at me for a moment, before opening up a glove compartment and grabbing a small bag full of coke. His eyes widened as he twisted the bag between his fingers. He looked lost for words. After a minute or two he finally managed to look me in the eyes.

"Dal, I am so sorry. I.."

"How long?"

I closed my eyes.

"Since my dad died."

He let out a sarcastic laugh and shook his head.

"So, ever since I've known you, you've been snorting this shit." - His lips twisted from the disgust and he hit the car door with all the force. I flinched and started to cry harder. Pathetic. "I've been there for you.. I opened up, and you.. You held it, like your dirty secret and now.." - He was literally shouting at me now.

"P-Please don't leave me, I can't lose you.." - I sobbed and gripped on his hand. He pulled away, his eyes were full of anger. He hated me.

"Fuck you, Brendon." - He winged the door open. "I can't even look at you. Not now."

"No-no! No, don't go! It's raining! Y-You will get sick." - What the hell was I talking about? He hated me, he did not care about the rain. Withdrawal was literally melting my brain. I was shaking and sobbing, begging him to stay. Dallon stepped out of the car and shut the door behind him. I saw him walking away from me. I clutched on my hair and screamed, my lungs were going to explode. 

That was it, I was giving up. I needed to take it, just a little. I couldn't take in anymore. I looked around for a small bag of happiness. It was gone. 

No,no. Realization hit me. Dallon took it. He was going to throw it away. 

I pulled a hood over my head and jumped out of the car in the horrible rain. I ran. I ran and ran and ran until I couldn't run anymore. Until my muscles gave up and I landed on my knees in the middle of the road. I couldn't see properly because of all the rain. 

"Dallon!" - I called him, but it came out as a pathetic whimper. I was shaking violently. I did not have strength to fucking get up on my feet. I needed it and I needed it now. I felt my chest tightening and something inside of me was rising. 

I sobbed. With all the force I've had. I sobbed, like a goner. I sobbed for help. Last drops of energy left me and I was screaming like a psycho.

That's when I felt strong arms locking around me and my face met with a warm chest. I felt long fingers running through my hair as I cried. 

"It's okay, I've got you, It's okay,I am sorry.."

He came back for me, Dallon came back. His lips met my forehead. 

"You're gonna be okay, I promise."

It was a lie, I knew. I clutched on his back and buried my nose in his neck, as tears streamed down my face. 

"I will take care of you,angel."

I inhaled his smell and damn it. I realized I have found something much worse than coke.


	9. Chapter 9

We've been lying on my bed, Dallon hugging my back and locking his arms around me for almost two hours now. I'm still shaking, tears are still sliding down my face. Because he's disappointed, because I'm pathetic and because well, I still did not get through the withdrawal. Dallon's been quiet. He is stroking my hair and kissing my neck. Nothing romantic, and even though I've dreamed about something like this for the last months, right now I need him as a friend. As my best friend. I feel him tensing up and he finally speaks up:

"You need help,Bren.."

"I need you." - I whisper and curl up even more. He leans on his elbows and looks down at me. 

"And I need you. But this.. Thing, it will take you away from me." - His voice is full of sadness. I sniffle and don't answer. His fingers touch my cheek softly. "Will you stop? For me..?"

"Yes.." - I feel tears rising up inside of me. My face twists from the pain. Dallon embraces me harder, and I feel he is not going to let me go. 

"I've got you.. You're not alone.." - He whispers soothing words into my ear and I feel the world becoming a little bit brighter. "I won't leave you like everyone else did.."

I know it is true.

__

The hardest part of withdrawals comes when all the self-control is gone and you're left with hysterical sobs and suicidal thoughts. "I need it, I need coke or I'll die." "I will kill myself if you don't give it to me." Cries,screams,tears. Every muscle in your body resists to work, you can't breath properly, you feel your lungs shutting off. 

I am lying on the bathroom floor, shaking like a sobbing child, hands clutching on my hair. I will rip them off if I don't get something, anything, to help me. The world is blur, my ears are pounding. My heart beats messily, It's going to jump out of my chest. I hear fast footsteps approaching the door.

"Oh my God." - I hear a quiet gasp. 

"I'm so s-sor..H-help me, g-give it to m-me." - I reach up to him with my shaking hands.

"No. No, Brendon, listen to me." - He kneels beside me and clenches on my shoulders, forcing me to face him up. "You can get though this. You are better and stronger that this." 

"I AM NOT!" - I bawl and pull away from him. "I AM NOT STRONG, I JUST NEED A FUCKING COKE!" - My voice breaks. I start to whisper. "P-please, I can't.. This is not right.. I want to die, I swear I will kill myself if you don't bring it to me."

I see his eyes going wide and concern drawing on his face. He crawls to me on his knees and cups my face.

"Don't you dare to threaten me with it!" - His voice is angry. I don't like it. "Don't you dare to even think about it." 

"I am sorry, f-fuck.." - My hands fly up to my hair once again, but he grabs them and laces his fingers with mine. 

"You need to get into the shower. Come on, I've got you." - He stands up to his feet, slowly pulling me up as my knees give up on my one more time. He sits me down on the toilet and starts stripping me. I don't even feel embarrassed. I don't feel anything but the pain and ache right now. He throws away my sweatpants and hoodie. I am left in my boxers and he doesn't take them of. Thanks to him. He practically carries me to the shower and opens up a hot water. I step in and feel shivers running down my spine. I can't even stand properly, so I lean on the cold wall. 

"Oh, damn it." - I hear him mumbling and in a second he appears next to me. Fully dressed. His t-shirt and jeans are getting wet and heavy, but he doesn't seem to care. He helps me to stand up as I lean on his chest with my back. I can't keep my eyes opened. 

"it's okay, I've got you." - He repeats these words to me. His long fingers wash my hair, neck, chest and whole body. Strange thing that I don't get a boner. But I'm hardly conscious, so I guess that's why. The water finally stops running and Dallon wraps a soft towel around me. My hair's dripping wet. 

"See? Easy.. Feeling okay?" - I nod slowly as we step out of the shower. I clench on his arms, afraid to walk by myself. "Hey, I'm not going anywhere.." - He whispers. He walks me to the bed and gives me sweatpants and a warm hoodie. It's not mine. He give me his hoodie. I slowly put them on and lie down. He lies beside me, softly drying my hair with towel. 

I close my eyes and hope to die. But with him by my side.


	10. Chapter 10

"..Yes. Yes, he's just asleep, everything is fine. Of course I will tell him. Thank you, Mrs. Urie. Take care, good bye." - A hushed voice wakes me up. I slowly disconnect my eyelashes and blink the blur and sleep away. I feel the bed getting colder and colder. I sit up quickly. The tall boy steps back into the room, switching off the phone. 

"Dal?"

He looks up at me and smiles, leaning on the doorframe.

"Hey there. Did you sleep well?" 

I nod.

"Was it my mom?" - I reach towards the phone in his hands. 

"Yeah, she called to.. She just wanted to know how you feel." 

"She wanted to ask if I plan visit her today, am I right?" - I mumble.

Dallon sighs and approaches my bed.

"Yes. I did not want to upset you.."

"It's alright, Dal." - I rub my eyes and sigh. "I can't believe it's been a year since he's gone."

Dallon sits down beside me. His fingers touch my hand and my breath flinches.

"I know, Bren. I know.."

"I think I will visit her. And.. Him,too. Will you come with me?"

Dallon looks up at me, his eyes going wide. The corners of his lips twitch upwards.

"You want me to come? With you?"

"Yes.. I'm gonna need you there. If anything happens."

Dallon smiles, his deep,blue eyes are swirling holes in my face. Damn it, he is so beautiful.

"I'd be happy,Bren. Thank you."

"You know.." - Dallon turns around before leaving my room. "I've got an idea. Before we leave.. Let's go out and grab some drinks?"

"Oh, so you wanna get drunk,huh?" - I laugh.

"Yes. We haven't really gone out for drinks for the whole eternity. How does it sound?"

"Yeah. Okay." - I smile at him. "Let's go out."

__

 

I barely manage to stay on my feet, everything around me is spinning. The world is covered in blur. My head is pounding, but I feel so good. I lean on Dallon's shoulder and throw my head back, drinking another shot of tequila. My face twists as the burning sensation goes down through my throat and chest. I look at Dallon, who's squeezing his bottle of beer. I've never seen him so drunk. And you know what? I fucking like it. He's clumsy, talking about stuff I don't even listen to. I stare at his face. At his lips, cheeks, god damn eyes.

"You're not l-listening, ar-re you?" - He murmurs and shakes his head. 

"Nope." - I rest my chin on my hand and smile up at him. He is so beautiful.

"I'm g-glad we're here. You needed th-this.." 

"Thanks, Dal. Thanks for everything." - I lean and kiss him on the cheek. I swear to you, he fucking blushed and giggled like a teenage girl. 

"C-Can I tell you something?" - He slurs. 

"Sure."

"You're really pretty." - He covers his face with his palms to hide his embarrassment. I part my lips to say something, but I feel lost for words. 

"Dal, I-" 

I feel someone slopping heavily beside my seat. I turn my head slowly and see a boy with bright yellow hair and a nose ring who's laughing so hard his whole face is getting red. 

"Wow there." - I mumble. The boy looks at me, still laughing.

"Oh, hey. sorry I interrupted. That guy over there has just vomited from the window." - He throws his head back and laughs again. That's when the other boy, more thin, with pointy nose and fluffy hair approaches us. 

"You idiot, I've been looking for you everywhere!" - He shouts at the yellow-boy. 

"Come on, Ty. Look, I've made friends!" - He points to us. 

"Well, I wouldn't say.." - I mumble but the burnet interrupts me.

"I am so sorry, he's a real pain in the ass when he drinks. I'm Tyler, by the way. And this is Josh." - The yellow-haired boy waves at us.

"I'm Brendon and this.." - I turn around to find Dallon's head resting on the table, practically snoring. "This is Dallon." 

Tyler sits down beside Josh and lights up his cigarette. 

"It's hard looking after the drunk boyfriend, isn't it?" - He asks me. I choke on my saliva.

"What? Oh,no,no. Dallon is not my b-boyfriend. He's straight.."

"Yeah, right." - Tyler smirks and takes a drag. "My gay-radar never lies, Brendon."

"What do y-you mean?"

Tyler shrugs and winks at me. His smile is really cute. I like his dimples.

"S-Stop staring at my fren." - Josh threatens me with his fist.

"Oh, Joshua. I am not your friend." - Tyler sighs and rolls his eyes. "I am your boyfriend, you idiot."

I laugh at this. Tyler orders drinks for us. I grab my glass and look down at sleeping Dallon. I need to wake him up, but he looks so.. Peaceful.

"Tell us something." - Tyler says to me, snapping me out from my thoughts.

"Oh.. Okay." - I take a shot, and shake my head to get rid of the awful taste. "S-So here's a story..It was the summer of 2001.."

__

If I've been saying that I was drunk before, I've been god damn lying. Because right now, I am fucking stumbling on every step. I look at Dallon, who's sitting on the couch in the far corner, rambling about something with Josh and Tyler. They've sobered up a little. But not me. I am fucking wasted. I fall down on the chair near the bar and sigh. Tyler looks at me and smiles. I've realized I want to get to know them. I want to be friends with them, because they're that kind of the people you don't want to lose. They are kind, understating and god damn cute. 

I groan and touch my forehead. It's about to explode. I turn around to face the barmen and order some more drinks, but a sharp pain in my stomach snaps me out of my actions. Something fell down on me. Something heavy. I look down, cursing out loud. It's not something. It's someone.

Oh.

"F-fuck sorry, I s-swear that guy punched me." - I hear the familiar voice.

The world around is spinning again until it gets covered in dark.


	11. Chapter 11

"We need to stop meeting like this." 

A soft mumble is the reason why I'm opening my eyes and letting the artificial, red-ish light into my brain. I try to blink the confusion away and concentrate on the face in front of me. The blur fades away and now I'm able to recognize these lips, eyes, nose, hair.. I sit up. Why am I lying? On the couch? And where the hell is everybody? My daze returns to the stranger's face. My breath hitches as my brain finally processes who that it. A warm, my favorite smile flashes on his face.

 

"You okay?"

I get up of the couch, slightly pushing him away. I feel dizzy and my head's spinning, but I blame it on the alcohol on my system, not my rapid heartbeat. I feel his long fingers touching my shoulder.

"Bren, you should lay-"

"Don't fucking touch me." - I hiss and flinch away from him. His eyes are wide, lips parted but no sound escapes them. He is surprised. Why is he surprised? What did he expect? "I need to go back, Dallon's probably looking for me." - I mumble and dart towards the door. This is probably one of the VIP bedrooms in this club. Ew.

"No, wait-" - Ryan blocks the door and now I'm forced to face him and meet his eyes. I hate looking him in the eyes. Everything inside of me wakes up. Every damn feeling, every memory. 

"What do you want?"

"Why did you pass out?" - He asks quietly, looking down at his feet.

"I'm going through some shit. That's why." 

"What shit?" 

I sigh and shake my head.

"You don't get to ask me these question. You have no right." - I snap and put my index finger on his chest. He looks scared. Is he scared of me?

"I am sorry.." - He whispers and steps back. 

"Yeah, I am too." - I walk past him and grab the doorknob, but can't find enough force to turn it. My hands are shaking. Fuck it. I turn around and look up at him.

"This is all your fault." - I manage to say through the tears gathering up in my eyes. I feel a mess of feelings choking me.

"I know.." - He whispers back.

"You've destroyed me. I am a fucking drug-addict because of you. I am struggling with withdrawals and.. F-Fuck." - I sniff and wipe tears away with the sleeve of my hoodie. "And now you walk back into my life? Like nothing happened?!" - I shout at him.

He looks lost for words. He stares at me, with the expression I can't read. Confusion, anger, fear, worry? 

"You're on the drugs?" - He asks quietly.

"Fuck you. I had to replace you with something. Anything." 

"Oh, Bren.." - He sighs and walks up to me. His eyes are warm, full of..Love? He approaches me, his hands fly up to my face. His thumbs wipe the tear marks on my face. "I am so sorry.. I hate myself for everything I've done to you.." 

I stare at him. Fuck, I've missed him. His scent, his skin, his voice.. I stare, like a hungry child and try to remember every detail of his face. 

That's when I hear the door flying open behind by back. I see confusion growing in Ryan's eyes as he looks at the person in the doorframe.

"Brendon?!" - I hear their voice. I turn around quickly, pushing Ryan away. I am met with Dallon's face, his hair is falling down on his forehead and face is twisted with the worry.

"Dal.." - I quickly walk towards him as he locks me into his embrace. Suddenly, I feel like I am home again.

"God, I was so worried. Tyler said he saw you fell but then you've disappeared somewhere." - He murmurs in my ear and sends shivers down my spine. I realize this is the feeling Ryan's not capable of giving me anymore. Feeling like I am home.

"Yeah, I passed out. Sorry." - I mumble. He finally pulls away and looks at Ryan.

"Oh. Hey. Hi. I'm Dallon. I guess you're the one who took care of him." - He nears Ryan. Ryan's at least two head higher than me, and Dallon's two head higher than Ryan. I smile at this.

"Hey." - Ryan reaches out his hand. He still does the handshakes,huh? Something stings inside of me. "I-I'm Ryan. Brendon's old friend."

Dallon's smile drops suddenly. He looks back at me. 

"Dal, drop it-" - I try to stop him. 

"So, you're THE Ryan?" - He turns back to Ryan. The other boy looks lost and confused.

"Uh, I guess?"

I barely manage ro register what happens next. Dallon's hands fly up to Ryan's collar. He literally lifts the boy up in the air and pins him to the wall.

"You stay away from him,got it? Or I swear to God I will rip out your fucking heart, if you still own the one." - Dallon hisses. I have never seen him this angry. My knees feel weak.

"Dal, please.." - I try to get him off Ryan, but I guess I'm too weak. Ryan's scared eyes lock with mine. He looks betrayed. Why do I feel guilty?! 

"So this is your new boyfriend,huh?" - He asks me quietly, eyes never leaving my face.

"You little shit." - Suddenly, Dallon's fist flies up and meets Ryan's face. He groans, falling down on the floor. The blood starts dripping down his face in a second. 

"Dallon!" - I shout and finally manage to push Dallon away. His face is red, eyes are wild. "Dallon, look at me." - I cup his face with my hands and force him to look me in the eyes. "It is okay. Please, leave it. Come back to me." - I whisper.

"What the hell is this?!" - I hear Tyler's gasp. I feel the relief as he and Josh run into the room. 

"Buddy, you okay?" - Josh crouches beside Ryan, who's covering his bleeding nose with his shaking hands. Ryan's still staring up at me.

"I am sorry." - I mouth. His eyes fill up with tears and my heart breaks. Again and again. Josh manages to pull him up. 

"Here, take this." - He hands him a tissue, but Ryan doesn't flinch. He looks at me. Fuck, stop looking at me.

"Dallon, come with me. Brendon, we'll be waiting outside." - Tyler and Josh grab Dallon's hand and drag him out of the room. And now I am left alone with Ryan, once again.

I feel uncomfortable with his gaze swirling holes in my face.

"He is a good guy." - He suddenly speaks up. His voice is soft. I did not expect it. "I hope he treats you well, like you deserve. I hope he loves you, and takes care of you. I hope he gives you everything I could not. I hope he kisses you in the mornings and doesn't let you go at night. He will never love you more than I do, but I hope he never breaks your heart.."

My breath is shaking. He looks at me for a moment, before pushing past me and walking away.

"Ryan-" - My voice cracks. 

Then he's gone.


	12. Chapter 12

Our road to my parent's house is silent. In fact, we haven't really talked since yesterday night. It was already 4 a.m. when we got home, Tyler and Josh helped me to carry drunk Dallon home. He finally fell asleep, after hours of mumbling. And I spent the night awake, smoking every god damn cigarette I could find and thinking my brains away. The morning was quiet. Not a sound has escaped Dallon's or my lips. Everything's too tensed, too awkward, I guess. 

I roll down the window and throw out a can of my third Red Bull. That's when I finally hear his voice for the first time today.

"Brendon, you can't just throw out stuff from the window while you're driving."

"I don't care." - I shrug and reach out for another can. Dallon grabs my hand.

"You've had enough."

"Relax, for fuck's sake, it's Red Bull not Vodka." - I hiss and pull away my hand. "It's you who can't control his drinking habits, not me."

"Huh, says who? The fucking drug-addict?!" - Dallon snaps. I feel the pain rising up in my stomach, crawling up to my chest, neck and brain. My heart drops to my toes, and I am not able to produce any sound and respond to him. I tear my eyes away from the road and look him in the eyes. They are filled up with guilt and regret. "Bren, fuck, I am so sorry.." 

"It's okay. You're right. I'm being a hypocrite." - I mumble. 

The ride becomes silent for the next hour. 

"I am sorry for yesterday.." - He speaks up again. "I am sorry I punched Ryan. I behaved like a child."

"Yes, you did." - I answer. 

And another hour of silence follows. 

__

"Oh, Brenny, why did not you tell me you were coming?! I would prepare something, maybe bake a cake for you!" - My mom's been hugging my guts out for at least ten minutes now.

"M-Mom, I wanted to surprise you." - I try to smile, but she squeezes me harder. "Mother,I can't breath!" 

"Oh, oh sorry!" - She giggles and pulls away. That's when she spots Dallon,awkwardly standing behind me. "You must be Dallon!"

"Yes, Hello, Mrs. Urie. Its nice to finally meet y-" - Dallon's words are cut off as my mom locks him into her embrace. This looks funny, because well, Dallon's a damn giant compared to my whole family. 

"Thank you for taking care of my Brenny, sweetheart." 

"Okay, mom, go and I don't know, cook something, Jesus Christ." - My face gets red because of the embarrassment. I walk Dallon to my room.

"Wow. So this is where your grew up,huh?" - He puts his backpack down on the floor as I shut the door behind us.

"Yeah.." 

He sits down on my bed.

"And I guess this is the first place you've ever masturbated." 

I can't help a laugh escaping my mouth.

"Nope, actually it was a school toilet." - Dallon looks up at me, his eyebrows raised. "Don't ask."

He laughs and shakes his head. I sit down beside him and feel his long fingers interlacing with mine.

"I am really sorry." - He whispers, staring down at out hands. "I just.. I got so angry,Bren. When I saw him, standing so close to you. After everything you've been through. He doesn't have a right."

"Hey," - I lift up his chin with my finger and force him to look into my eyes. "It is okay. I promise." - I smile at him. He smiles back, scratching the back of his head.

"So, I just wanted to ask.."

"Huh?"

"Did you two.. Well, you know. Kiss yesterday?"

I smile at his question.

"No. No, Dal. We did not."

"Oh. Okay. Not that it matters,but yeah. Okay."

__

I squeeze the flowers in my hands, keeping them closer to my body as I walk down the cemetery. This place was always sending shivers down my spine, even when my father was not laying down there. I've always been scared of the cemetery, even since I was a kid. I finally approach his grave. A huge, marble grave stone looks so.. Strange? It doesn't even fit here. I crouch and put flowers on the ground. I ran my fingers through the grass. It's still wet from last night's rain. 

"Hey, old buddy." - I whisper and smile, even though tears are gathering in my eyes. Thanks God I'm wearing sunglasses. "Sorry I did not visit. It's-It's been a rough year. But.. Well, I kinda miss you." - I cover my mouth with my hand, realizing I am not capable to say anything else. I let out a shaking breath.

I feel long, cold fingers squeezing my shoulder. 

"Meet Dallon,dad." - I roll my eyes and laugh quietly. "He doesn't even give me a chance to be alone. And before you get mad up there, he's not my boyfriend. He's straight as a ruler, am I right, Weekes?"

"Yes. Hello, Mr. Urie." - He kneels down beside me. "I've heard a lot about you."

I smile at him, one single tear sliding down my cheek. I try to wipe it away quickly,but Dallon hold my hand and stops me.

"Don't. It is okay to let it out." - He whispers. I nod, my lips twist from the pain and I can't stop a new wave of tears falling down. 

"Come here." - He hugs me, embracing the hell out of me as I shake and sob into his neck. 

"It's gonna be okay. I promise you." - Dallon kisses my hair.

And you know what?

I believe him.

I fucking do.


	13. Chapter 13

"So, Dallon. Do you have a girlfriend?" - My mother sips her juice meanwhile I choke up on my food and nearly puke the whole dinner out. Dalton's eyes go wide for a second, but he manages to hide his confusion with a smile.

'Uh, no, Mrs. Urie. I don't." - He answers.

"Such a handsome young man, and no girlfriend? Come on, tell me, is there anyone special in your life? You're not.. You know, "different" like Bren, right?" - I want to throw a spoon at my mother. She has this smirk full of mischief stretching on her face. 

Dallon laughs at this.

"No, I am not"Different", Mrs. Urie. Unfortunately, I have a really bad luck with the love."

"Oh, why so?"

"Mother, enough-"

"It's okay, Bren." - Dallon nods to me and faces my mom. "I've only had one girlfriend in my life. She was my fiancé, three years ago. Her name was Breezy. We've been dating since the high school. She was.. Beautiful. You could think she came straight out of the fairytale." - He smiles and stares down at his lap. 

"What happened, darling?" - My mother puts her hand over Dallon's long fingers. 

"We were already planning our wedding. Had our rings and stuff.. But then uh.. There was an accident and-yeah.." - Dallon's voice cracks at the ends, but he clears his throat and looks up at us. "But it was a long time ago. I've moved on."

I hate this. I hate when Dallon talks about her. His love got destroyed, smashed in pieces, because of some stupid drunk-ass driver. He is simply disappointed in love. That's not fair.. I hate seeing him hurt. He told me about her one night when we got drunk and decided to talk our hearts out. I rambled for hours about Ryan. And then he told me about her. Breezy. His first love. His only love, who got taken away from him. How am I supposed to believe in God after this?!

"Oh,honey, I am so sorry." - My mother wiped her eyes with a corner of napkin and sniffled quietly. "I know what it is like to lose a person you love."

"Like I said, I've moved on." - Dallon shrugs as my mom squeezes his fingers. "Life goes on."

I clear my throat and grab a bowl of salad.

"More salad, Dal?"

__

 

I push the "ON" button on my car radio as Dallon buckles his seatbelt. 

"Brenny, please, come back for the Easter. I want to spend some more time with you, honey!" - My mom kisses my cheek, leaning in the car from the window. 

"Okay, okay,mom,stop." - I pull away. "I will, I promise."

"You too, Dallon." 

"With a pleasure, Mrs. Urie." - Dallon waves to her as I finally start the car. 

The radio keeps playing this annoying song over and over again. What is it called? "I draw tragedies, no sins?" Something like that. I hate it.

"Change the channel, for Christ's sake." - Dallon rolls his eyes.

"Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole." - I smirk.

"Did you- Did you just quote Supernatural to me?!" - Dallon exclaims. "Don't go all cinematographic master on me, young man. You can't beat me."

"Oh,really?!"

"Yes! I know almost every phrase from every tv-show or movie ever."

"You know nothing, Dallon Weekes." 

He rases his eyebrows and looks at me.

"Okay, you wanted a war? You've got it, you foul loathsome evil little cockroach." 

I laugh, throwing my head back and almost losing the control of my car.

"Good one, Mrs. Granger."

"Keep your eyes on the road, idiot. Don't blink."

Another one. Where is from, Doctor Who? 

Who cares. I am glad I have Dallon in my life. He gives me purpose to live and survive in this whole mess. I love the fact that he is with me. Maybe I love him.

Wait.

What?!

I let go the steering wheel and push my leg on the brake pedal, causing my tires to scratch the asphalt beneath them. Dallon's hands fly to the steering wheel. 

"What the hell are you doing?!" - He shouts, breathing heavily.

But I don't care. I stare at my shaking hands. 

What did I just think? How is that possible? I love Ryan Ross, I will always love Ryan, not-not Dallon. What the hell is going on with me?! 

I hear Dallon cursing and hissing stuff to me, but I don't pay any kind of an attention. I start the car once again. I need a help, I am too confused with my feelings and thoughts and emotions and fucking everything..

"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.." - I whisper to myself.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chord Overstreet - Hold On 
> 
> This song inspired me to write this chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> TW  
> Please be safe, frens

I don't know how it happened. I don't know which exact second was the one when I decided to do it. I think, it was mostly just a huge mistake. An accident. Stupid,silly accident. I don't remember how I dialed Jon's number, or how I begged him to bring me some coke for a huge amount of money. But I remember, actually. And I hate myself. I hate myself, while lying on the cold bathroom tiles. My head is spinning, my lungs are burning and the world is blurring, reality slipping through my fingers like sand. I try to clutch on it, try to return it. But it fades away. My breath slows down and my thoughts become messier and messier. I can't open my mouth and cry. I can't scream, I can't call for a help. I know I took too much of it, I feel my nose is bleeding and brain is melting. 

Help me, I don't want to die. Help me. Help me. Help me. I can't tighten my grip on my own life.

"Oh my God."

My head spins harder, from the relief rushing through my body. He's here. Thank you, oh, thank you for coming and checking on me. 

"Brendon, what the- oh my God, what did you do?!" 

Please, don't get angry. Please, don't leave me. I am sorry I am a mess. I am sorry I betrayed you. I've betrayed myself. Oh, Dallon, I am so sorry. His long fingers hold my head.

"Brendon, look at me. Look at me, concentrate on my voice. Don't close your eyes,fuck!" 

He is scared. My eyes slowly lock with his ocean-blue ones. They remind me of the beach my dad used to take me when I was little. I remember enormous waves of water crushing on the shore,backing away and getting lost in the depth of the ocean. I remember the salty smell tickling my nose. Now the blood tickles my nostrils. What have I become?

"No,no, don't close your eyes, for God's sake!" 

God? Fuck God. 

I feel a weak slap on my cheeks. Good. Hit me more, harder. I love feeling the pain. Its been a long time since I've felt anything. All my feelings are lost like that waves in the ocean. His hands leave me for a moment and I close my eyes, floating out of the consciousness. 

"Okay,I've called an ambulance." - His hands are back, gripping on my forearms. He's holding me in his lap. I don't deserve this, I deserve to rot in some dark basement without a spark of light. 

My body trembles. It protests, it doesn't want to die. Oxygen is leaving my body, my lungs are screaming and shutting. I cough, again and again, almost puking out my guts. He holds me closer.

"Brendon, no, no. No, p-please don't leave me. You can't.." 

Oh no, Dal, don't cry. Please. I feel a single tear sliding down my face and getting lost somewhere on the floor and blood smeared on the piles. He clutches on me.

"Please st-tay.."

I am sorry. I'm trying to stay. I try to clutch my shaking fingers on his hoodie.

"I'm here, I'm not leaving, so don't you dare to leave me!!" - He screams at me. 

Good. Scream more. Feel it. Feel me.

Darkness is approaching.

I don't have much time left. Please kiss me.

_  
"Ryan,baby, please kiss me."_

_"Get off me, dick!" - He laughs and jumps away from me. I have my mother's lipstick smeared over my face, while I chase him for a kiss. I catch him and we fall down on the carpet._

_"No, no, get off oh God!" - He's shaking from a laughter. I am placing wet, ugly-pink kisses on his face and neck. His hands fly to my face and he finally pulls away, looking into my eyes._

_"I. Love. You." - He whispers and locks our lips together, interlaces our tongues._

 

I hear a loud banging on the door.

"They're here. Help arrived, Brendon, fuck, baby stay with me!" 

Baby. I feel shivers running down my spine. Maybe from this word. Maybe from the approaching death.

My body grows heavier, I can't control my thoughts. 

I am sorry, Dal..

"Brendon!!!"


	15. Chapter 15

Beep 

 

Ouch. 

I feel my head is ready to explode. I fear this darkness around me, consuming every atom in my body. 

 

Beep 

 

What is this sound? It hurts my ears. Why can't I open my eyes? 

 

Beep 

 

Oh, please, stop it. It is so irritating. 

I have to open my eyes. I have to know where am I. 

 

Beep 

 

The tiny line of lights perks in as I slowly disconnect my eyelids. It doesn't give me any information about my surroundings, because everything is just a white, messy blur. I try to blink I away, try to concentrate, but it's taking too much of my energy.

I gasp for a breath, but it comes out as a pathetic cough. Beeping still continuities and I wonder wether it's my brain counting down it's minutes.

"Bren?" - I hear a hoarse voice. Finally, the blur fades away and I am able to process some details. White, white. Everything is white. I hate this color. I see the white walls, a small TV in front of me and.. Messy, brow hair. I see wide blue eyes, which are red and bloodshot now. I see him.

"D-a'll'n-"

Something is placed on my face. What the fuck is it? I feel it touching my skin.

Oh my God, get it off me! Take it away! 

"Hey, hey, shh. It's okay, you're okay." - He appears next to me in a second, fingers holding my forearms and pushing them away from my face.

"Bren, you need to breath. It's an oxygen mask, it helps you." - His voice is calming. I blink slowly and lift my eyes to face him. He strokes my hair, and gives me his warm smile.

"You've scared the hell out of me." - His smile drops suddenly. And I feel guilty.

I want to rip off the oxygen mask and jump out of the window. I feel my lips twisting from the sobs I desperately try to swallow and hide inside my chest.

"It's okay.. You're okay, baby." - He caresses my cheeks with his thumb.

"How do you feel?"

I close my eyes and sigh. I can breath, take this mask off me, please.

"I need to call the doctor, Bren. Is it okay?"

I swallow hardly and hum in response.

I hear him walking away from my bed. I am in a hospital, great. This is so embarrassing, I hate myself. I should have died there, on the cold bathroom floors. It would be easier for everyone. Except maybe my mother. Oh, oh I hope she doesn't know I am here. She would be so disappointed. 

"Welcome back, Mr. Urie." - I hear a deep voice. I open my eyes and try to examine the man in the white uniform. Why the hell is everything white?

"You've been out for 14 hours." - The doctor mumbles with a monotone voice. His face is pale. Does he go outside,like ever?

"Can you tell me how you feel?"

I shake my head slowly, but he registers my movement. 

"Okay. You need to get some rest and then, I will come back and give you detailed information about our next procedures." - He smiles at me and turns around to leave the ward.

My eyes search Dallon. I spot him near my bed, biting his nails. His knee is bouncing, it's irritating. He looks at me, his eyes full of sympathy and worry.

"Brendon, this needs to stop." - His voice is serious. "I thought you fucking died. I thought it was the end. You have to stop or I swear to God I-" 

His voice cuts off, I think because he saw the wetness under my eyes. His fingers interlace with my hand.

"I am sorry.." - He whispers and shakes his head. "It's just.. I was so scared.." - His voice breaks.

"M' m'th'r?" - I whisper pathetically.

"She doesn't know. But I got so scared, I had to tell someone.." - His eyes fill up with guilt. "I've called Spencer. I know you'll probably get mad at me for that, but I-"

"O'k'y"

He breaths out with a relief. 

"He said he would come as soon as he can. Do you think he will tell..?"

Ryan? Yes, I am sure he will. Spencer is still good friends with him, even though he tries to hide it from me. So yes, he will tell Ryan.

I don't respond to Dallon. I squeeze his fingers and close my eyes. I feel my mind drifting away from me.

"Okay.. Rest, Bren.. I'll be here when you wake up."

His lips touch my forehead and the sleep washes over.


	16. Chapter 16

"Good morning, Mr. Urie. How are you feeling today?" - The doctor walks into my ward. My vision is better today, I can now read his name tag. Doctor Gerard Way. I would think of a great joke about his surname, but my head is pounding too hard.

"I'm-I'm good. Better." - I mumble and try to smile. They've removed an oxygen mask from my face, but IV and tons of other tubes are going in and out from my body, I still struggle to move or even breath. I sit up in my bed and hiss from the pain in my head.

"Try not to move too much, okay?" - He sits down on my bed and writes something down in his notebook. His red hair is really distracting. 

"You have a visitor, he's waiting in the hall. Would you like him to come in? Here, I got the name.." - He flipped through his papers. "George."

Who the hell is George? I knit my brow together from the confusion. He registers that.

"So you don't know him?"

"N-No that's fine. Let him in." 

Gerard nods to me and gets up to leave the ward. I don't know any Georges. Who would visit me? I examine my fingers and try to think of anyone with that name. Nope,nothing, Blank. I hear footsteps approaching the door and in a few seconds it reveals George.

Oh.

George Ryan Ross.

He shuts the door behind him and slowly approaches my bed. His hands are shaking, hair is messy,falling down on his face, his eyes are red are bloodshot. He stares down at my face, while I struggle to lift my eyes and greet him. I hear the chair being pushed beside the bed. He sits down and lets out a shaking breath. Ryan's fingers reach out and touch my hands, but I flinch and move them away.

"I don't know what to say." - He whispers and shakes his head.

"There's no n-need to say anything.." - I shrug. 

"Did you want to die, Bren?" 

His question surprises, even scares me a little. 

"N-No." - I mumble and see relief washing over his expression. 

He is stubborn. His hand reaches out again to touch mine and for some reason, I don't move away.

"Dallon, he uh.. He called Spence last night. He was staying at my house, and uh.. Well ,he said that you.." - His voice breaks. "Fuck, Bren.. He told us he did not know if you would pull through.. I-I wanted to die because even a thought of you -" 

Tears spill from his eyes and his voice cuts off. I stare at him,with no expression. Numb, blank. I feel nothing. 

"You have to fight.." - He whispers, wiping his tears. "You have to fight it, for your mom, for your friends for-for me."

I raise my eyebrows and smirk, shaking my head in disbelief. 

"You? Why would I do anything for you?"

The amount of pain I see in his eyes makes me regret this question. 

"I-I don't know." - He answers honestly and hangs his head.

I sigh. I can't play this role anymore. I feel nothing, I am empty but Ryan.. Damn it, this is Ryan. My Ryan. how could I think I loved anyone besides him? I am madly in love with him, pathetically. 

I squeeze my fingers on his hand. Ryan lifts his head and I give him his favorite smile. The one he used to call "Okay Smile." He said it made him feel that everything would be okay.

"You can't die,Brendon." - He mumbles, his voice is serious as hell. 

"I c-can't.." 

I hear heavy footsteps behind the door. It opens and Dallon walks in, with a worried expression. He stops the second he sees Ryan. 

Ryan's breath hitches. 

"I-I.. Sorry, I didn't know you.. Uh, I'll come back later, I guess.." - Dallon mumbles. 

"It's okay I was jut leav-" - Ryan gets up but Dallon interrupts him.

"No. No, stay." - He commands. "You stay and you fix this. Fix him." 

Dallon turns around and walks out before we can say anything. Ryan looks down at me.

"I-I will try.. To fix you."

"You can't fix me, George.. It's too late." - I whisper shakily.


	17. Chapter 17

"Have you eaten anything today?" 

These concern voices have been following me everywhere for almost a week now. Every morning starts with Dallon popping his head into the ward and asking questions about my food,drink,medication and sleep. I'd lie if I told you it wasn't getting annoying. But he is worried, I know he is and I would probably do the same for him. Today is the last day I'll spend here and finally, I'll be able to go home. Last night was awful, I have to admit. I got a horrible withdrawal, my whole body was trembling and jerking from the pain. It took me an hour to recollect myself and manage to push the "help" button for the nurse. I am sure Dallon already knows about it and blames himself for leaving me alone at night.

"Yeah. Food here is a really shit." - I mumble as he sits down at the edge of my bed. "I'm glad I'll be able leave this shit hole soon."

"About that.. There's something I need to tell you." - Dallon looks down at his fingers and fuck, I don't like the tone.

"What is it? Please don't tell me I'll have to spend more time in this hell."

"No, not here. I've talked with Doctor Way and he,uh-well he suggested to put you in the rehab for some time." - He lets it out, rambling.

Oh, shit. I've feared this. My heart drops to my toes. 

"Oh." - Is all I can manage.

"But hey, it's for a couple of weeks, Bren." - His fingers lock with mine. "And then we will go home. Clean and sober, okay?"

"I-" - I don't even know what to say. No, I hate it, I hate feeling this way. I don't want to go to the rehab. "O-Okay."

Why? Well, because I understand this is for the best. Even though I hate myself right now, more than I have ever.

"Has Ryan..? - I whisper.

Dallon knits his brows together and tries really hard to avoid my gaze. 

"No." - He mumbles.

"Oh. Yeah,okay. It's fine. I'm fine,really. I don't even care." - I shrug. I don't think my monotone voice convinces Dallon, but he stays quiet. 

"Well, Tyler called today." - He tries to change the subject. Lame. "He said they want to visit you. The rehab won't allow any visits, so I told them to come by today. If it's okay with you?"

"Yeah, sure." - I smile to him.

"Okay." - He smiles back. "I'm gonna go and fill some papers for the hospital, Way said he'd bring you some too. You sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, really." 

Dallon gets up and approaches the door.

"You know, that thing he does.." - He turns around to face me. "Appearing and the disappearing again. That's fucked up. He's fucked up. He's a mess and I-I don't think you have to bury yourself into that mess."

I smile at this. 

"I know, Dal. Thank you."

He leaves after that, carefully closing the door behind his back. I sigh and close my eyes.

Ryan promised to fix me and then.. Disappeared. He said he would come back in the morning but - nothing. He did not even call. I'm getting used to that habit of his - leaving me behind. But it still hurts,every fucking time.

I hear my phone buzzing somewhere under the blankets. I pull it out and smile at the name on the screen.

"Hey, fucker." - I say. 

"Hey, shitface. How are you feeling today?"

"Okay, I guess. You?"

"Fine. Even though I had a really shitty morning, I spilled my coffee on some paper-work, I'm sure Pete's gonna kill me."

"You boss will be fine, Spence. He's gay as hell,all you have to die is wiggle your ass in front of him." - I smile. - "I miss you, buddy."

"I miss you too,man. I hate that I can't come and see you because of this stupid work sending me away every fucking month."

"It's fine, Spence. You heard the news? I'm pretty sure Dallon told you."

"Rehab? Yeah,that sucks. But, telling you by my personal experience, it helps, Bren. It really does."

My stomach twists from the memories of drunk and high Spencer. From the memories of me carrying him home almost every night.

"I know, I know."

There's an awkward silence between us and I know where it leads.

"Has he called?" - Spencer asks quietly.

"No. He has not."

"Sone of a.." - Spencer breathes in, trying to stay calm. "He hasn't contacted me too. He doesn't answer my calls or e-mails. I don't even know where he is."

"Spence, it's okay,really. I don't care." - I try to sound honest.

"Yeah,sure. Anyways, it was nice hearing your voice,Bren. Get yourself together, fucker. I miss you."

"Miss you too, Spence."

"Okay honey, see ya." - I laugh at the nickname as he hangs up. 

And I'm left alone with my thoughts,again.

I can lie to Dallon and Spencer about Ryan, but I can't lie to myself. 

I care. I fucking care. I want to know where he's gone.

I want to know if he's okay and safe. Just this, nothing else.


	18. Chapter 18

"Ooh, I think I'm gonna pass out." - I mumble as I clutch harder on Dallons hand. This is the first time in weeks I'm able to leave that horrible hospital. I can't trust my legs with going up on the stairs and I'm pretty sure my knees are giving up underneath me.

"It's okay, I've got you." - Dallon says and puts one of his hands on my lower back. "Carefully, step by step."

"I know how to walk, for fucks sake. It's just, I-I'm feeling dizzy." - I stop walking and lean on the wall with my back.I start rubbing my face with palms. I can't catch my breath.

"Hey, look at me." - Dallon puts his hand on my shoulder and I look up at him. "Breathe. Come on, breath in and out. You're okay, everything is okay."

He leans down so that his eyes are on the same level with mine. Fucking giant. I laugh at this, but it comes out as a pathetic choke and gasp for an air. I slide down and sit on the cold floor. Dallon kneels in front of me and cups my face.

"Bren, look at me. Concentrate on my voice. Yeah, like that.. Follow it, and breath with me. In, out. In, out. Good, you're doing great."

After minutes of gasping,my breathing finally steadies. 

"F-Fuck.." - I whimper.

"It's nothing. You're just overwhelmed with.. Everything. You're okay." - Dallon smiles and helps me up. He wraps an arm around my body. "Come on, there's only one floor left."

"W-What happened with the stupid elevator?!" - I mumble angrily.

"I think I broke it." - Dallon shrugs. 

"What?" - I can't stop a surprised yelp. 

"That night when you.. They took you away and I uh.. I just wanted it to go down faster and I pushed randomly all the buttons. And it stopped. So whoops?"

A loud laugh escapes my mouth. I shake my head in disbelief.

"You're amazing. Oh my God, you're unbelievable."

"Okay, technically it's your fault!" 

"Shut up." - I punch his shoulder weakly. 

We finally approach our door. Dallon pulls out his keys and opens it for me. The second I step in, I get this overwhelming feeling. I am home. Finally.

"Let's pack some of your stuff for tomorrow morning, okay?" - Dallon asks as he locks the door behind us. 

Tomorrow. The rehab. I almost forgot.

"Yeah, okay." - I mumble and fall down the couch. "When are they coming?"

"Duns? I guess somewhere around 7?" 

"You have to stop calling them Duns or I swear Tyler will hang you by your balls."

Dallon rolls his eyes as he kicks off his shoes and jumps on the couch beside me.

"Move, you bastard!" 

"Hey, you move!" - I hiss. "This is my spot."

"No, I definitely did not miss you being in here." - Dallon laughs.

"Fuck you, you grumpy giant."

__

 

The front door snaps open and a loud voice fills up our house as yellow puff of hair appears in the door frame.

"GOOD MORNING VIETNAAAAM!" 

"Joshua,stop screaming, for fuck's sake!" - Tyler pushes him in.

"Don't you hush me, woman!" - Josh walks in with the brightest grin on his face. He gives me a high five and nudges Dallon's shoulder. "How's life going?"

"We're good. Sit down, have some pop corn. Why pop corn? Because I'm not allowed to drink or smoke. So I drown myself in this." - I mumble sadly. Josh crushes down on the couch and puts his feet on the table.

"Joshua, legs!" - Tyler yelps.

"Relaaax, Ty." - Josh winks at him and grabs a bowl of pop corn. Tyler rolls his eyes and sits down on the carper in front of TV.

"What are we watching?" - He asks with this cute, high-pitched voice of his.

"I thought maybe some horror movie?" - Josh asks.

"I think this house has seen enough of horror in the last month." - Tyler mumbles. "Let's watch some drama." 

"Oh no, don't kill the vibe, Ty!" " - Josh rolls his eyes. 

"Do we have a right to vote?" - Dallon asks quietly.

"I don't think so." - I answer whispering.

"Okay, so what do you suggest,Joshua?" - Tyler turns around, his brows knitted together. "The Ring? Sinister? Paranormal activity? Come on, you've seen all of them!"

"There's a new one. It's called "Split" and it's about a guy who has 24 personality trapped inside of his body. Crazy,huh? Like Billie Milligan. You know, the crazy dude with the voices inside of his head." - Dallon twists a finger near his temple.

Josh's smile drops and his eyes go wide for a second. He turns his head at Tyler, who's sitting on the carper and staring up at Dallon.

"What?" - Dallon blinks confused.

"I-I'll be r-right back. I have to use a bathroom." - Tyler flies to his feet. "J-Josh, don't. I'm okay." - He says when Josh gets up to follow him.

"What happened?!" - I ask surprised. 

Josh sigh and shakes his head. I've never seen his eyes so sad.

"It's nothing.. Ty he-uh.. I don't know how to say it."

"He what?" 

Josh approaches the couch and sits down, putting his face in his hands. He starts to whisper.

"He has this.. um, voice in his head." - I close my eyes when the realization washes over. "It represents his insecurities and stuff. And this voice, it.. He's seeing a therapist, he's okay now. He tried to hang himself in our basement a year ago." - Josh rambles the last part. His face in twist with disgust and pain. 

I choke on the air and a quiet gasp escapes Dallon's lips.

"Oh-Oh my God, I am so sorry, fuck, I didn't-"

"Hey,hey, it's okay. He is okay. It;s just.. He doesn't like when people call mentally ill people crazy.."

"I am sorry. I'm a dick, sorry." - Dallon cursed quietly. Josh patted his shoulder and smiled.

"It's okay,man."

We hear shuffling in the hall and seconds later Tyler appears in the doorframe. 

"H-Hi." - He mumbles and walks up to the couch. 

"Everything okay, baby boy?" - Josh asks quietly. Tyler nods.

"Yes. I am sorry for behaving like this. I am okay." - He sits down besides Josh and smiles at him. "Sooo, what are we watching?"


	19. Chapter 19

"Mr. Urie, we need to take away your phone, iPod or any other gadget for a few days before you adjust yourself in our rehab." - The black-haired nurse is talking too fast, I can barely understand her. I pull out my phone and hand it to Dallon, who's standing behind me while I'm filling in the forms.

"Thank you. Here, sign this paper." - She slides a piece of paper to me. I sign it and hand it back.

"Follow me." - She gets up from her desk and walks past us. "Oh, and you can't go further. I apologize." - She says to Dallon. He looks at me wide-eyed, but I nod to him, signing that I will be okay. Suddenly, I get locked in his embrace. 

"Take care, buddy. Be safe, take your medication and call me when you'll have chance." 

"Ok-kay Dallon, I can't breath." - I yelp and he lets me go. He ruffles my hair.

"Good luck."

I smile at him and follow the nurse. We walk into the white hall. 

"I will show you your room. You will have a roommate. Please, try not to trigger the other patients and avoid physical contact as much as possible." - Her monotone voice swirls holes in my head.

"Okay.."

"Your friend really cares about you." - She says suddenly, not looking back at me.

"Dallon? Oh, yes. Yes, he's like my second mom." - I smile.

We approach one of the rooms.

"This is your room, number 75. There's a red button near the light switch for emergency situations."

"Okay.."

"And if you need anything, I'm always ready to help you." - She smiles at me. I look down at her name tag.

"Thank you so much, Doctor Orzech-Ozre-"

"Sarah." - She giggles. 

"Sarah." - I smile back. "Thanks."

__

The first thing I spot, when I walk into the room is a messy bed and clothes lying literally everywhere. I hoped my roommate would be a normal guy, but I am in rehab, there is no normality in here. I, myself, am not normal. I approach the clean bed and throw my backpack on it. I hear the toilet flushing and after a moment, a bathroom door opens and reveals a thin, lanky boy with curly hair falling down on his face. His eyes look tired, but I am sure so do mine. He looks up at me and tries to smile.

"Hey." - He mumbles. "You-You're the guy. The roommate."

"Yeah, that's me." - This is so awkward. "I'm Brendon."

"Matty." - He approaches his bed and sits down. "You need help with unpacking?"

"uh, no-no, it's okay, thanks." - I smile.

"So, why are you here?"

This question surprises me, especially the tone he asked it with. Is it a normal question? 

"Uh, coke." - I mumble and look away. He nods and pulls his knees to the chest, hugging them. "You?"

"Heroin, alcohol and yeah, coke too."

I try not to choke on my own saliva. Wow, what a mix, huh? This guy is a walking rock-and-roll.

"We're gonna become good friends, I feel it." - He says before kicking off his shoes and crawling under the blanket. "Turn off the lights before you go to bed, please."

"O-Okay."

What the hell did I get myself into

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so sorry for the minor mistakes. Love you,frens <3


End file.
